


Carriage

by ChristocentricQueer



Series: Carriage [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Aziraphale Has a Vulva (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Bible Quotes, Biblical Scripture References (Abrahamic Religions), Blood, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Child Death, Child Loss, Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley yells at his plants, Crowley's Plants (Good Omens), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Menstruation, Miscarriage, No beta we fall like Crowley, Planned Pregnancy, Prayer, Pregnancy, Pregnant Aziraphale (Good Omens), Sad Ending, Sexual Content, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens), Swearing, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:15:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26474773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristocentricQueer/pseuds/ChristocentricQueer
Summary: “Well, what’s missing, dove? Look at me.”Aziraphale lifted his gaze and looked into Crowley’s sunglasses. Crowley took Aziraphale’s hands in his.“Crowley, what is missing is a… A baby. I want to carry a child.”Crowley cocked an eyebrow and a smirk flashed across his face. “About time you said it, angel.”Aziraphale and Crowley decide to start a family. It does not go as planned.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Carriage [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928539
Comments: 18
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic deals with miscarriage. The miscarriage scene is graphic. If miscarriages, child death, and/or blood are triggers for you, do not go further. Mind the tags as you go.
> 
> For my friend, A. Baby G knows how much you loved--and continue to love--her.

They were at their favorite coffee shop. Crowley had a large black coffee, and Aziraphale had tea and fresh scones. But something was wrong. Every time Aziraphale brought the teacup to his lips, his hands were shaking. He hadn’t taken more than a bite of a scone. He didn’t even moan! That was certainly not like his angel.

“You going to tell me what’s wrong or is this going to be a guessing game?” Crowley asked.

“So, my dear… Nothing is wrong. But there is something I want to talk to you about. I…I…”

Crowley stared at Aziraphale intently. He knew he had to give Aziraphale time to get it out. As much as it annoyed him sometimes, Crowley knew his husband well enough to wait.

Aziraphale blushed. “I have been thinking about this for quite some time now. We have had a delightful five years together. Building our beautiful cottage, going to shows and restaurants without fear, our wedding. I have never been happier, my dear. I promise you. But there’s something ‘missing’ so to speak.”

“If you’re wanting something new in bed, angel, we could’ve talked about this at home. Though I do like a little exhibitionism from time to time,” Crowley smirked. He knew that there was more to what Aziraphale was saying, that this wasn’t what he meant. But putting in a little mischief here and there was how he rolled.

“No, no Crowley! That is _not_ what I want to discuss. You have been,” Aziraphale leaned forward and whispered, “a most excellent partner to make love to.” He pulled back and looked down at his tea. “There is nothing wrong with our relationship. Nothing like that. What is missing is not about you. Not completely.”

“Well, what’s missing, dove? Look at me.”

Aziraphale lifted his gaze and looked into Crowley’s sunglasses. Crowley took Aziraphale’s hands in his.

“Crowley, what is missing is a… A baby. I want to carry a child.”

Crowley cocked an eyebrow and a smirk flashed across his face. “About time you said it, angel.”

Crowley was a lot of things, and one of those things was observant. Aziraphale had been dropping hints for months now. There were a few new books on Aziraphale’s desk. Some biology textbooks about pregnancy and childbirth. Crowley and Aziraphale both knew how reproduction worked. They’d been around for millennia, seen and assisted with pregnancies and births throughout their long lives. But he knew that when Aziraphale wanted something, he spent hours upon hours researching. Soaked up more information than any mortal ever could. He found a few first edition children’s books—something that Aziraphale had shown no interest in until recently. Anytime they passed by shop windows with baby clothes, children’s toys, and cribs front and center, Aziraphale would smile and sigh. A wave of love and longing would wash over Crowley. Aziraphale had even taken up knitting. Hidden in the recesses of a basket filled with yarn was the beginnings of what appeared to be a baby blanket. Crowley never let on that he knew about it. And he kept getting an abundance of seedlings as gifts, much to the demon’s delight. Through it all, he feigned ignorance. If his angel wanted a baby, then he needed to use his words.

Aziraphale sighed and he gave Crowley an awkward smile. The demon had noticed his hints. But that didn’t mean that Crowley felt the same way. “So you knew this whole time? You never said anything!”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Aziraphale, we’ve been over this. If you want something you need to tell me. No more of this subtle, covert stuff. We did that dance for thousands of years. We don’t need to live that way anymore. Haven’t for five years now. Angel, you can tell me anything. You know that.”

“You do have a point, dear boy. Tough habit to break,” Aziraphale blushed. “I just love the thought of having a child with both of our essences. Something wonderful we create together, out of love. Such a lovely addition to this beautiful life we’ve made. Our cottage with a nursery, toys, baby clothes, a stroller so they can come on lovely walks with us…” Aziraphale lit up for a moment. The look was soon replaced with a nervous one. “N-Now if you do not feel the same way about having a child, I understand. But oh Crowley, you were so good with Warlock! And I’ve seen you with children throughout the ages. It’s just so beautiful to behold, darling. I think you would make a marvelous father. If you want to be. You do not need to give me an answer now. Oh, I probably should have just spoken with you about this at home!”

The demon tightened his grip on Aziraphale’s hands to ground him. Keep him in the moment rather than spinning out of control. “Shh, shh. Aziraphale, take a deep breath. Keep your eyes on me.” Aziraphale did as Crowley asked. “Settle down, dove. It’s okay that you asked here. I’ve just been waiting for you to finally bring it up. But y’know, I did like the clues you left ‘round the cottage. Got me thinking about what I want, too.”

They sat in silence for a while. Crowley was waiting for Aziraphale to ask the big question. Aziraphale wanted Crowley to just come out and say it. But the silence was maddening for the angel’s anxiety. He knew Crowley had won this game.

“My dear, you know where my heart lies in the matter. Do you know what you want?” Aziraphale asked in a shaky voice.

Crowley took his hands away from Aziraphale’s. He leaned across the table and cupped the angel’s face in his hands. “Course I know what I want. You know I’ll give you anything you ask. Go anywhere you like. And if you want to start a family, then so do I. Been thinking about it for a while myself, actually. Even before your little stunts.” Aziraphale closed the distance between them and kissed his husband. The waves of love surging from the angel were so intense that Crowley could taste it. When Aziraphale pulled away, Crowley stuck his tongue out to taste the air. It had gone snakey, and Aziraphale couldn’t help but let out a giggle.

“I love you, Crowley. You have made me happier than I ever thought possible. That is awfully hard to do, you must know.” He was absolutely glowing now.

“Same here, angel. Now are you finally going to eat? You know how much I like those little noises you make… They’ll help us a little later,” Crowley flashed a grin, showing a hint of fang. He snapped his fingers, miracling the scones and tea back to their original temperature.

“Oh, you foul fiend!” Aziraphale laughed. He took a bite of his scone and let out a moan so obscene that Crowley thought he’d discorporate then and there. He couldn’t wait to get his angel home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Talk about menstruation

A few days later, Crowley and Aziraphale were getting ready for bed. Aziraphale wasn’t up to trying for a baby just yet. Well he was, but he couldn’t bring himself to. But he had his reasons to abstain. Perfectly reasonable for the angel, but frustrating for the demon. Still, the demon would never push. The wait was always well worth it. Didn’t make those six days any easier, though.

Crowley was wearing nothing more than black and red booty shorts (he preferred Aziraphale’s warmth to proper sleep clothes). He was sitting on the bed, watching his husband change into his sleep clothes. Aziraphale put on an old white undershirt, covered his black briefs with a pair of striped pajama pants. Crowley found the sight incredibly sexy. As he took in the perfect image of his plump angel, Aziraphale snapped his fingers. Crowley’s attention turned to the wall next to the door.

“Aziraphale, why’d you miracle that?” Crowley pointed to a whiteboard calendar. There were various marks on it in several colors. X’s on some days, circles on others. A few days with a red line drawn through them.

“Oh, yes! This is to help us conceive, Crowley. It is something the humans call ‘the rhythm method.’ We can track my most fertile days this way, and hopefully with its help we will fall pregnant in no time!” Aziraphale beamed.

“But we don’t need this! We could just try all day every day until I knock you up. We could get started right now,” Crowley patted the space next to him on the bed.

Aziraphale shook his head. “No, I want this to be special. I want to do this the human way. And besides, we cannot possibly make love right now. Look at this line right here,” he pointed. “I am currently menstruating. I am for another two days. You know this!”

“Good old Aunt Flo…She’s such a cockblock. One of these days you’re going to let me ride the red river. Mark my words, angel. Now c’mere. You may not want to fuck, but would you at least cuddle?” Crowley tucked himself in under the covers and beckoned for Aziraphale to join him.

The gears were turning in Aziraphale’s head. “’Ride the red river?’ You’re not talking about the Red Sea…” suddenly it clicked. “Oh Crowley, rid your mind of that filth!” Aziraphale scowled and threw a pillow at the demon’s head.

Crowley stuck his forked tongue out at his husband and made a ‘come here’ motion with his finger. “C’mon, angel. In bed with me. I even have your towel waiting in your spot.” An old, red towel was covering his place on the bed.

“Thank you for your thoughtfulness, my dear. I don’t want to, ah, ‘leak through’ on the lovely sheets you picked out. Sanitary napkins, even the nighttime ones, can only do so much.” Aziraphale crawled into bed and spooned Crowley. The demon loved it when his husband held him. His lanky, bony frame seemed to fit perfectly in Aziraphale’s chubby, sturdy one. Crowley clapped his hands and the lights turned off.

As they settled into the silence, Crowley decided to ask the question that was nagging at him. He’d asked a few times over the past five years, but Aziraphale would change the subject. Aziraphale didn’t seem upset when he asked, just uncomfortable. Now that they were about to try for a baby, however, he decided to give it another shot.

“Angel?”

“Yes, my dear?”

Crowley nuzzled his face on Aziraphale’s arms and gave them a chaste kiss. “I’ve asked you this before and I know you don’t like to talk about it. Why do you have a period? How long have you had it? You don’t need the whole shebang when you make an effort, y’know. When I have a pussy I leave out all the bits that could get me knocked up. Why haven’t you?”

Aziraphale nuzzled his face into Crowley’s neck and planted a soft kiss on the sensitive skin. “Now now, no need for the vulgar language. Save that for later. Would you turn around and face me, darling? I want you to look at me if we’re going to talk about this.”

“Course, dove.” Crowley turned over and cupped Aziraphale’s face in his hands. The angel kept his arms wrapped around his husband’s waist.

“Since the Garden, I always felt closer to Eve than Adam. Not in the sense that I am unhappy with my corporation. I enjoy having a male appearance. Every time I have had to change my corporation into a feminine one I have always felt so horrible about myself. So out of place in my own corporation… What is the word the kids are calling it these days? Dysphoric?”

“Yes,” Crowley replied.

“Yes, dysphoric. Thank you dear. But the maternal nature of Eve appealed to me. That she was the bearer of life. She held the whole of humanity in her womb. Crowley, the very thought that her body could create life was the loveliest blessing I could imagine. So when I saw their bodies intertwined in the Garden, hers was the effort I manifested. It’s the only one I’ve ever had, the only one I’ve ever wanted.”

Crowley kissed him. “You do have the best snatch of all, and I wouldn’t want you to have anything else.” Aziraphale sighed. “But anyway, so did you manifest all of the plumbing because you wanted to be a mother? Why not just tell your body not to bleed? It’s such an inconvenience y’know. ‘Specially back then.”

Aziraphale paused and thought for a moment. “I didn’t realize I wanted to bear children for a long time, Crowley. Not until we were at the Dowlings, in fact. I made my effort based on all that Eve had. I wanted to experience what she went through. And I found that the whole process of a cycle, while messy and uncomfortable sometimes, makes me feel closer to humanity. Closer to Her too, even though I haven’t heard from her in a long, long time. Having a vulva and a menstrual cycle makes me feel as though I am a mixture of the masculine and feminine. Living up to my title as the ‘Southern Pansy,’ I suppose,” he chuckled. “Having a uterus and fallopian tubes also kept me from committing sins. Making mistakes that I would have to live with for eternity. Things I would not want to have in the back of my mind.”

The demon raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Sins?”

Aziraphale continued. “You know Heaven. Encouraging us to stay virginal, to never give into the desires of the flesh. There were many times, Crowley, where I longed for you. Even though I would never admit it to myself, or to you. I would desire to seek out a human who looked like you to fulfill my carnal needs. But the possibility of falling pregnant, or the violence that could come if a human saw my effort, always kept me from making an egregious error. The only one for me is you, Crowley. It’s always been that way. And I believe it was always meant to be. I by no means am judging you for your sexual experiences before we came together. But I do not regret having waited over six thousand years to give you my virginity. And now that we are finally free to be, that you want me to carry your child, I feel fulfilled. Eve would be proud of us, I think.”

Crowley kissed Aziraphale deeply. “See, was it so hard to explain it to me?”

“I didn’t know how to explain it in a way that made sense. My effort has always been a sacred part of me, and I suppose it felt uncomfortable to put my feelings into words. I apologize that it took such a long time to open up about it, my dear,” Aziraphale said as he put their foreheads together.

“Don’t worry about it angel. Just glad I finally got it out of you. Oh, and angel?”

“Yes?”

“I’m not saying they’re bad or anything. ‘S fine that we’ve had to use them. But this means that we don’t have to use condoms anymore, right?”

Aziraphale laughed. “Quite right, my darling. For the time being, you won’t have to, as the Americans say, ‘sheathe it before you tap it.’”

Crowley let out a loud groan. “It’s _wrap_ it before you tap it, angel!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Some smut. Not very graphic. If you want to avoid it, it begins and ends with these sentences:
> 
> Begins here:  
> "Aziraphale was lying on his back with his legs wrapped around Crowley’s waist."
> 
> Ends here:  
> "Something changed, and he knew what it was."

“Oh Crowley, did you look at the calendar this morning?” Aziraphale asked as he walked into the greenhouse.

Crowley ignored him. He was right in the middle of yelling at the latest seedlings. He looked like a general, hands behind his back and looking each one in their little leaves.

“You will grow for me. You will be beautiful, and you will be perfect. There is no room for error. Failing to grow, getting leaf spots, and not listening when I speak to you will result in punishment. Watch me.” Crowley grabbed one of the seedlings. It was clearly failing to thrive. Going brown, looking a little wilted. He ripped it out of the little pot it was in. The demon threw the seedling on the ground and crushed it under his snakeskin boots. All the seedlings’ leaves began to tremble. They knew their plant daddy meant business. He was not to be crossed.

Crowley turned away from the plants and looked at his husband. “Didn’t need to. Can ssssmell how fertile you are,” his forked tongue darted out of his mouth. He gave a devilish grin that always made Aziraphale swoon.

The angel blushed. “I didn’t know that was, ah, something you could do.”

“Always noticed you had this scent sometimes over the centuries but couldn’t place what it was ‘til now. Did a little research on pheromones and all that jazz. Figured it out,” Crowley smiled. He walked over to Aziraphale and grabbed him by his hips. Crowley pressed their bodies together, and the angel could feel his husband’s erection. He shivered with desire.

“Well, shall we get a wiggle on, my dear?” Aziraphale purred. Crowley grabbed him by the hand and led him back into the cottage. They were moving so fast the angel could’ve sworn his feet never touched the ground.

Aziraphale was lying on his back with his legs wrapped around Crowley’s waist. He pulled his demon’s body flush against his and kissed him. Aziraphale couldn’t have Crowley close enough to him. Knowing that they were here, in their marital bed, trying to create a new life overwhelmed him with love and desire.

Crowley broke the kiss and whispered in Aziraphale’s ear. “Angel, do you feel how hard I am for you? How crazy you make me?” his thrusts picked up speed and Aziraphale moaned. “Going to knock you up. Make you carry my baby. Do you want it, dove?” The angel was close, and Crowley’s dirty talk pushed him over the edge.

“Oh yes, Crowley! Please, I need you! Let me carry your child, dear, please!” Aziraphale cried out as his orgasm ripped through him. Crowley kissed him passionately as he chased his own release. It only took a few more thrusts before he came in the angel.

They didn’t stop kissing and didn’t separate. The angel and demon couldn’t pull themselves away from each other. The moment was too intimate and tender to end just yet. And that’s when Crowley and Aziraphale felt something.

“Angel…” Crowley breathed out. He felt a heat inside Aziraphale that was nothing like he’d ever experienced. Something changed, and he knew what it was.

“Oh Crowley, my love, do you feel it?” Aziraphale reached up and cupped the demon’s face in his hand. Crowley nodded. “It’s absolutely radiating inside me. We’ve conceived.” Aziraphale couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. He was literally glowing, the energy of their coupling intertwining with his heavenly essence.

“I love you, dove,” Crowley wiped the tears from Aziraphale’s eyes and pressed their lips together. At last, they were going to have a family of their own.


	4. Chapter 4

The first few weeks of Aziraphale’s pregnancy were uneventful. He was brimming with bright, warm energy. He couldn’t stop smiling. Even if the angel could, he wouldn’t want to. And neither would Crowley. They would go for walks every day, arm in arm. Aziraphale would lean in and put his head on the demon’s shoulder. Aziraphale would go on and on about his hopes for their baby. He especially liked to imagine what their walks would be like once the baby was born.

“Crowley, not long from now our little one will be here. I cannot wait for our first trip to the park. We’ll show them all of our favorite places. Hold them while we feed the ducks. I’ll shield their eyes when you’re up to your little tricks… Won’t it be delightful?” Aziraphale beamed.

“We’ve still got like eight months to go, angel. But yes, it’ll be wonderful. You’re wrong about something though.”

“What would that be, my dear?”

Crowley smirked. “I’ll be holding our baby when I make a little mischief. They need to get started right away. Part demon and all that, y’know. Can’t have all the fun, Aziraphale.”

The angel chuckled. “We’ll just have to thwart each other at every twist and turn. Just like the old days.”

“Parenting 101: to have a perfectly normal angel/demon hybrid, make sure you try to balance out the good and evil. Let your kid have fun, but not too much. Sing them nursery rhymes about crushing their enemies one day, teach them to love slugs and snails the next. Give them a little angel food cake, as a treat, and sneak them some devil’s food cake. Recipe for success,” Crowley sassed.

The husbands shared a good laugh at that. Once their laughter subsided, they sat down at their favorite park bench. Crowley pulled out some bird seed—they had stopped using bread a while back—and the angel took some in his hand. He threw it to the ducks and smiled at the happy memories the bench brought back to him. Aziraphale couldn’t imagine anything more perfect. And soon he’d be sharing it with his child. Their child.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: morning sickness, vomit

Crowley woke up to the sound of retching and groaning. The smell of vomit hit him. He looked over to Aziraphale’s side of the bed and it was covered in puke. He got up, miracled the sheets clean to spare the angel’s dignity, and headed to the bathroom. The door was closed and it was locked. Crowley imagined it was out of shame. He knew how much Aziraphale hated seeing him look a mess.

“Angel, you alright? Let me in.” Aziraphale didn’t answer; he was in the middle of throwing up. It sounded awful. Crowley felt relieved that he wasn’t the pregnant one, though he felt a little guilty for thinking that. To make matters worse, for some reason the angel couldn’t perform miracles anymore. They assumed it was his body’s way of preserving all its strength and energy for the life growing inside of him. Crowley’s magic didn’t work on Aziraphale, either. The last time Crowley tried to miracle Aziraphale’s clothing away nothing happened. Crowley ran his fingers through his long, red hair. He felt helpless waiting for Aziraphale to open the door for him. But he felt it would be a breach of trust to open it by force.

After what seemed like ages, Aziraphale opened the bathroom door. His skin was clammy, his eyes and nose were red. There were tear streaks on his cheeks. Crowley frowned at the sight.

“I know, I know. You don’t need to look at me _like that_. I’m sorry I can’t be your beautiful angel right now,” Aziraphale rasped. His throat was raw from all the vomiting.

“Hey, hey now. Don’t project your thoughts onto me. You are _always_ my beautiful angel. I just hate seeing you like this ‘sall. You all puked out for now?” Crowley ran his fingers through Aziraphale’s hair, and the angel leaned into his touch.

Aziraphale took a deep breath. “I believe so. At least I hope so. Crowley, morning sickness is awful! I knew it would be unpleasant. I suppose I wasn’t prepared for it to be this uncomfortable, though.”

Crowley shrugged. “How could you be prepared for this? Researching only gets you so far, y’know. Now c’mon, let me make you some tea and make you some breakfast. I know you might not want to eat, but you need to. Can you do that for me, dove?”

“Yes, Crowley. Thank you,” Aziraphale wiped his eyes. Crowley leaned in to kiss him, but the angel pulled away. “No, not right now. I need to brush my teeth before then. Don’t want you to experience this secondhand.” The demon smirked, pressed a kiss to Aziraphale’s cheek and sauntered away.

The demon whipped up some oatmeal and bananas and a cup of ginger tea. It wasn’t the lavish breakfast that Crowley had become accustomed to making for Aziraphale. Truth be told he missed it. He hoped by the time Aziraphale’s first trimester ended that the nausea would subside. The demon wanted to wait on him hand and foot. Feed him anything and everything he wanted—within the limits of what pregnant people are permitted to eat.

“Breakfast’s ready, angel!” He waited patiently at the table, mug of coffee in his hands.

“Coming, dearest!” Aziraphale walked into the kitchen, dressed in his usual attire. His eyes were still a little swollen. “Oh, Crowley, you’re using the mug I bought you on our first anniversary!” a big smile formed on Aziraphale’s face.

“S’pose I am,” Crowley smirked before taking a sip.

The mug had a picture of the two of them on it. It was their first selfie together, taken on Aziraphale’s smartphone. Crowley finally convinced him to use the one he bought him. After lessons on texting and online browsing, Crowley taught him how to take pictures. Selfies were first up, and Aziraphale was surprisingly good at getting the right angles. Aziraphale looked the same as always. Blonde, fluffy hair, a baby blue eyes, and his signature tartan bowtie. Crowley’s hair was still short at that time, purposefully messy, with a v-neck black tee so people could see his chest hair. Sunglasses on too, of course. Aziraphale never told him how he got the picture printed on the mug, but Crowley assumed he’d used a miracle.

Aziraphale leaned down and gave Crowley a lingering kiss before taking a seat. “The tea smells lovely, my dear, and I’m sure the oatmeal will be scrummy. And thank you for decorating my breakfast this morning. I needed the pick me up.” The demon made a smiley face out of banana slices.

“So Crowley, I was looking at an art portfolio I collected a while back. Photographs of transgender men who are with child. There was an interesting concept I found within it.” Aziraphale paused for a moment to take a bite of oatmeal, wiggling and letting out a sigh of contentment as he did so. “Oh, you’ve outdone yourself again! What was I saying… Oh, yes, I remember now. There were a few pages of men showing their ‘baby bumps.’ They started from the beginning of their pregnancies all the way to when their child is born.

Crowley gave Aziraphale a warm smile.

“What I was thinking is that we could start taking a photograph of my belly every week. Starting this week. I know we’re only eight weeks along and with my… softness it will be a while before I’m ‘showing.’ Nonetheless, I want to document every week of this time. Something to look back on, and something to put in the baby book.”

“Angel, that’s a bloody brilliant idea. Doesn’t matter when others can see you’re knocked up. We know you are, and it’d be good to have pictures of all of it. Plus, I’ll have something nice to look at when you’re away at book conventions…” Crowley winked. So what if he had a belly kink?

“You foul fiend!” Aziraphale teased. “Since the idea is amenable to you as well, we shall take our first picture today. What should I wear?”

The demon gave his husband a look-over. “Take off the vest and your coat, angel. Leave the bowtie and your button-down shirt on. How you normally look is how this should be. No need to put you in a maternity shirt just yet.”

“My dear, I will wear one as long as it’s tartan.”

Crowley sneered. “Tartan, really?”

“Tartan is stylish!” Aziraphale snapped back in a playful manner.

“’Nough talking, angel. Eat your breakfast and drink your tea. Little one needs their nutrients.”

Aziraphale nodded and dug into his breakfast. Crowley’s coffee went cold. He was far too captivated by his angel to even care.

That evening, Crowley took their first baby bump picture. Aziraphale had his hands on his belly and he was turned toward the camera. Crowley had never seen the angel smile so bright in his life. He could feel the combined essence of Aziraphale and their baby. The most beautiful being of Her creation carrying the most precious life. “Smile big, angel. Eight weeks down, thirty-ish more to go.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Blood, graphic description of miscarriage.

At week twelve, something seemed a little “off.” Crowley could tell that Aziraphale was in pain and looked paler than usual. But the angel would always dismiss Crowley’s concerns. “I’m tickety-boo,” Aziraphale would say and suggest they go for a walk or have tea. Or sometimes, the angel would go off on his own and get lost in yet another baby book.

When it came time to take that week’s baby picture, Aziraphale wasn’t smiling as bright as the previous weeks. Crowley couldn’t feel the baby’s energy as strongly as before. But the angel posed the same as usual, and Crowley took the picture.

“Aziraphale, let’s cuddle on the bed. We need to talk,” he took his husband by the hand and led them to the bed. Aziraphale didn’t protest and said nothing. He allowed Crowley to lead him. He took Aziraphale in his arms. The angel began to cry.

“Dove, I know something’s wrong. I can feel it.”

Aziraphale was sobbing at this point. It was hard to choke out words. “Crowley…I’m…I’m…I’m… Bleeding.”

Crowley ran his fingers through Aziraphale’s hair. “Spotting is normal, angel. It’s not a big deal. Is that what’s got you so worried?”

The demon’s shirt became soaked with tears. The angel was crying so hard he couldn’t speak. Aziraphale grabbed Crowley’s hand and placed it on his backside. The demon could feel one of Aziraphale’s nighttime pads underneath the fabric. He could feel a wet spot on the angel’s pants. Crowley’s eyes opened wide, and it felt as though he had had the wind knocked out of him. He held Aziraphale as tight as he could. A tear fell down his cheek as the room flooded with the angel’s cries.

***

He held Aziraphale for a long time. Crowley kissed his forehead, ran his fingers through his hair, did everything he could to soothe him. He knew they had to talk about the next steps, but it needed to be on the angel’s terms.

“Crowley?”

“Yes, dove?”

“Can you help me to the bath? The cramps are getting worse, and I know I have soaked through my trousers.”

Crowley sighed with sorrow. “’Course, angel. Anything.”

The demon kissed Aziraphale on the forehead before untangling himself. He walked to the bathroom, miracled a nice, warm bath and a plush bath robe. When Crowley went to get Aziraphale, he could see the angel’s pants were ruined. Their bedspread was stained with blood. It took all of Crowley’s strength not to lose it. But he had to be strong for Aziraphale. He had to contain it, get them through it.

“Let me carry you.” Crowley picked up Aziraphale bridal style and took him to the bathroom. He carefully removed the angel’s dress shirt and undershirt. He hesitated for a moment before unbuttoning Aziraphale’s pants. “This okay?” Aziraphale nodded. He removed the angel’s pants and underwear at the same time. Crowley was horrified by what he saw. The pad was nothing but red, and there were large clots sticking to it. He took the soiled underwear and threw it in the trash bin and moved the stained pants to the corner of the room.

When Crowley came back over, Aziraphale turned toward him. He began to remove the demon’s clothes. Crowley was confused but did not stop him. “I want you to sit in the bath with me, Crowley. I need you. I need you here when they…they’re born. I can’t do this alone…” Aziraphale said, tears sliding down his cheeks.

“We’re in this together. On our own side. Here now and will be when…after…they…” Crowley couldn’t bear to say the words. He fell silent and helped Aziraphale into the tub. Crowley sat behind him and held the angel in his arms.

The water turned a reddish-brown as the angel continued to bleed. The warm water soothed his sore back and helped slightly with the cramps. But it could do nothing for his emotional state. No amount of warmth, or his husband’s touch, could comfort him. Crowley held him tight and gently rocked him from side to side. He pressed kisses to the back of his head. “I’m here, dove. I’m here. We’ll get through this. You and me. Always you and me,” Crowley chanted softly.

Aziraphale felt something different than a clot pushing past his cervix. “Crowley, put your hand between my legs. I think they’re coming.” Crowley did as he was asked. Aziraphale pushed, and something small slipped into the demon’s hand. “Is it?” Aziraphale asked. Crowley nodded. “Let me hold our little one, please.”

Crowley carefully brought his hand out of the bloody water. He placed the baby in Aziraphale’s palms. The angel looked as though he was about to receive Holy Communion. And in a way, he was. Holding someone sacred. Precious. Wanted, loved, adored.

Aziraphale and Crowley studied their baby closely. Their child was a tiny little thing, weighing nearly nothing. They had thin arms and legs and all their fingers and toes. Their skin was a soft pinkish color and translucent. “Look, Crowley.” Aziraphale moved the baby a little in his hands and they saw that the little one had wings. Tiny little wings. It wasn’t clear what color they would have been.

Aziraphale and Crowley stared at their child for a long time. Taking in their little features. Forced to face the reality of their miscarriage. The angel closed his eyes, sighed, and let the tears fall. He was reminded of King David’s grief. A lament tumbled from his lips:

_“And the Lord struck the child that I carried with my husband, and they became ill. I therefore pleaded with God for my baby, and I ate for two and went and lay all night on our marital bed…And I said, ‘While I begged for my baby’s life, I was held by my husband and we wept; for I said, ‘Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that my child may live?’ But now I know that our baby is dead; why should I plead? I shall go to my child, but they shall not return to me.”_

_“I shall go to my child, but they shall not return to me,”_ Crowley repeated.

***

With Aziraphale’s permission, Crowley got out of the bathtub. He didn’t bother to miracle the blood off of his corporation. He went to the kitchen and grabbed a wicker basket that once held some fresh berries. The demon went to the living room and looked through Aziraphale’s yarn basket. He pushed the yarn out of the way and picked up the baby blanket the angel had been working on. It was nowhere near finished. It was yellow and blue, the colors reminding Crowley of his and his husband’s eyes. He felt anger welling up inside him, but he pushed it down. The demon took a deep breath, lined the basket with the unfinished blanket and brought it to the bathroom.

Crowley sank to his knees by the bathtub and held the basket up to Aziraphale. The angel pressed a featherlight kiss to their baby’s head and put it in the makeshift casket. Crowley gently placed the basket on the counter behind him. He turned back to his husband and looked into his eyes. Aziraphale took Crowley’s hands in his. They stared at each other for a long time. What was there to say?

The demon helped Aziraphale out of the bathtub. He miracled them both clean. Crowley grabbed a pair of underwear and an overnight pad and helped the angel into them. He then wrapped Aziraphale up in a fuzzy robe. The angel took Crowley’s silk black robe from its hook on the bathroom door and helped him into it. After they were both dressed, Aziraphale cradled the basket in his arms and brought it to the bed. The angel put it in the middle of the bed and laid down beside it. Crowley laid down on the other side. They did not look at each other. They stared at their baby’s fragile body, cradled by their baby blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scripture Reference: 2 Sam 12:15-16;22-23 (NKJV)


	7. Chapter 7

When Crowley thought Aziraphale had fallen asleep, he snuck out of the house. He quietly made his way to the greenhouse. With a snap of his fingers, he made it soundproof. The last thing he wanted was for Aziraphale to hear him.

Crowley’s anger consumed him.

“You bastards, look at me!” all of the plants shivered and moved their leaves in his direction. “Look at you, pathetic things! I let you live, and you don’t deserve it. You haven’t earned the right to live. I allow it. You fuckers get to live, be beautiful, you do as I say if you know what’s good for you. But my baby has to die? My baby died, and yet all of you are still alive! My baby didn’t even get a chance! Didn’t even get to be a seedling! But time after time, you get some mercy from me. Well not today, not ever again!”

Crowley scanned the greenhouse for a plant with leaf spots or some other defect. He spotted a bright red geranium that had seen better days. It reminded him of the color of Aziraphale’s blood. In a fit of rage, Crowley lunged at the plant and grabbed the pot. It shook in terror. “You know what you’ve done, and it’s time you get what’s coming to you!” Crowley screamed at the top of his lungs as he slammed the pot to the ground. It shattered, dirt and terra cotta scattering everywhere. The geranium shivered under Crowley’s gaze. He continued to scream as he picked up the flowers and ripped them to shreds.

***

The soundproofing proved ineffective. Aziraphale heard everything. He held the basket in his arms as he listened to Crowley’s blood curdling screams. The angel cried out to God:

 _“Lord, I have called daily upon You; I have stretched out my hands to You. Will You work wonders for the dead? Shall the dead arise and praise You? Shall your lovingkindness be declared in the grave? Or your faithfulness in the place of destruction? Shall Your wonders be known in the dark? And Your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? But to You I have cried out, O Lord, And in the morning my prayer comes before You. Lord, why do You cast off my soul? Why do You hide Your face from me?”_

He knew that She wasn’t listening. She probably didn’t care. Maybe She’s the one that decided their baby wasn’t supposed to live. Aziraphale didn’t know, but it was at the back of his mind. Aziraphale cried himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scripture Reference: Psalm 88: 9b-14 (NKJV)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Child burial

Aziraphale woke up with Crowley spooning him. He was holding onto Aziraphale for dear life, as if the angel would float away if he loosened his grip. The angel brought his hands down to Crowley’s and gently squeezed them.

“Crowley?”

“Yes, dove?” The demon’s voice was hoarse.

“Have you been awake this whole time?” Aziraphale asked.

“Yes. Needed to know you were still here. ‘S worried that if I fell asleep you’d be gone, too.” Crowley admitted.

“I’ll never go anywhere, Crowley. Unless you’re with me. I love you.”

“I love you too, angel.” The demon pressed a gentle kiss to the back of Aziraphale’s neck.

They laid in bed for hours, looking at the little basket.

***

That afternoon, Crowley and Aziraphale brought their baby outside. The sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. What cruel irony. Aziraphale held the basket in his arms, singing a lullaby to their baby. Crowley grabbed a shovel from the greenhouse and dug a grave underneath their favorite tree. When he was done, he leaned the shovel against the tree trunk.

Aziraphale stepped closer to the gravesite. Crowley wrapped his arms around the angel and looked down at their child that never got a chance. Their baby was beautiful. It wasn’t fair. But such is life.

“I would like to name them, Crowley. They deserve a name,” Aziraphale said, keeping his gaze on their little one.

“Whatever you’d like to name them ‘s good with me, angel. Do you have a name in mind?”

“Abel.”

“Abel it is,” Crowley responded. He understood exactly what Aziraphale meant.

Aziraphale and Crowley got on their knees beside the grave. The angel covered Abel’s body with the blanket. Together, they lowered the basket into the earth. They whispered tender “I love you’s” to Abel before they filled the grave.

The angel and demon sat underneath the tree and looked at where Abel was buried. They held each other close.

“ _The voice of Abel’s blood cries out to us from the ground_ ,” Crowley said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scripture Reference: Genesis 4:10 (NKJV)


End file.
